Thomas is leaving soon. And we will be getting a new roommate. It is the end of one adventure and the beginning of another! It took a while to get settled in this city, but now, every time I walk down the street I feel at home—while still feeling surprised by all the beautiful things in the city. Meeting new friends, getting new hobbies, being hopelessly poor and loving it :) I’m going to miss you “Sanchez”!
Young Forever
“so let’s just stay in the moment, smoke some weed, drink some wine
reminisce, talk some shit, forever young is in your mind”
=D soooooo stressed. but everything will get done, like it does every semester, and I will do it all again in the fall. Closing social with student government. We got group pictures in a frame. I wasn’t in them. The day they took them I was registering the car that I bought so I could hold his hand at a graveyard <3. Memories are better than photographs anyway.
Austin was getting sad at sigma chi formal watching the slide show. Looked like so much fun. Looked like we missed out not being greeks. Then i said to her “we did all of that shit too, we did crazier, funner, more amazing, passionate, beautiful things just no one was around to snap a photo”
Sometimes i get really self-conscious and jealous of people who don’t work or go to school. I feel like I’m not as cool because I’m not hanging out with everyone all day gracing them with my awesome wit (har har). I get upset because I’m so busy. But then I remember that it’s my life and I want this. I want to be so busy I’m near tears from frustration. Its better than having too much time to think about the lonely, or the death, or the fact that I will actually grow up some day (while i spend all my time pretending i already have). Forever young is in your mind baby. And this is how I spend it. And reward myself tomorrow with my musician friend from LA playing me beautiful music and weed and wine!!!!
busted ankle, cold, wayyyy behind in school.
but i am going to coachella and cody is moving to sf with me. and we will live with thomas. and it will be nothing but cuddles and concerts and parties and sundresses and love.
now if only this thing… that’s stuck in me… i wish i could get it out. maybe i’ll start writing again. AHHHHHHhhhhhh.
Check out Matt's Music Blog →
I’m going to start contributing to it. He wants to set up an interview with me and one of my favorite singer/songwriters: Jason Anderson! We also wrote the Valentine’s Day Hangover Playlist together :)
every plan is a little prayer to father time
Last night I hosted my third group of couch surfers! A lovely couple from the Czech Republic. They arrived on a Greyhound bus and have been traveling by bus and hitch hiking all the way from New York!
I want to travel so badly. I am hoping to drive my car across America this summer and sleep in it or in a tent and couch surf. I wish I had someone to go with me… I’m sure there’s someone I know that is tolerable and has as much wanderlust as I do. Or perhaps I’ll take my friend up on his offer and stay with his friends in different parts of France.
Je veux aller quelque part! N’importe ou! (we are learning negatives in french ha ha)
Hmmm… what else: papers, papers, papers, not enough guitar, not enough sleep, learning to like whiskey, missing cody, starting to actually like whiskey, missing cody, starting to need whiskey…
netbook came in the mail yesterday!!! so happy! and so is my cat apparently! now i can vid chat with all my loves who are far away <3
Inspired
“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”
“I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed”
—Booker T Washington
Booker T was born into slavery the son of a white man who had raped his black mother. He asserted that white people were just as much a victim of the system of slavery and racism as black people. His forgiveness and positivism is amazing. I also really like the second quote about success not being measured by the end result. While I hope I can be successful (in a worldly way) someday, I hope someone values the work I have done and will do to get to where I am, even if I end up teaching in America, making no money, living in a crap apartment.
I think the greatest measure of success for me right now is being with you. If I can make this work, if I can love you for a lifetime, take care of you, and learn to trust you, I will have succeeded. I wish you felt the same.
the only thing that stays the same is change
Things have been a little crazy lately. I’ve been emotionally sucked dry by worries about the future, regrets about the past, and the feeling of an everlasting present. But Aristotle told me there is no such thing as the present. So we move on.
The weather was nice enough a few weeks ago that Matt, his brother and I went on a photo walk. They got some great photos, but my Pentax is broken and overexposed all my film! I am so bummed, and now discouraged. But maybe I will buy myself a camera soon… except I spent the rest of my loan money on a netbook! Win!
I can’t explain how liberating it is to finally own my own car. This weekend was the 3rd time I’ve driven to SLC and back by myself. The loneliness was crushing but I have been able to do a lot of thinking. I’ve missed listening to full albums and screaming pop punk and smoking too many cigarettes just because. And now I don’t have to rely on anyone. I am in control of at least one aspect of my life.
I am doing much better in school than I thought I was. 100% on everything so far except in French (I’m just lazy at it)! I was reading Percy Shelly for Brit Lit and came across his poem ”Mutability”:
“…We rest. -A dream has power to poison sleep;
We rise. -One wandering thought pollutes the day;
We feel, conceive or reason, laugh or weep;
Embrace fond woe, or cast our cares away:
It is the same! -For, be it joy or sorrow,
The path of its departure still is free:
Man’s yesterday may ne’er be like his morrow;
Nought may endure but Mutablilty.”
basically: nothing endures but change. I feel like nothing’s changing right now. Things seem stagnant. So I am anxiously awaiting warm weather, and beaches, and sun, and sundresses, and my bff coming home from london, and a fun summer with a world of opportunities that will open to me if only I can figure this all out :)
Oh, distance the way of making love understandable
Cheer up honey, I hope you can…
Loving myself
-Photo courtesy of Steven Swift
Every day since getting back from Chicago, I have had a beer/glass of wine/mixed drink. I sometimes wonder if I’m an alcoholic. I look forward to my solitary drink after a long day of school, work, and extracurriculars. At first sip, I am lighter. The stress and insecurities drip off like melted wax. And I feel more inclined to interact with my fellow humans. It makes me feel like an adult. Someone who has a routine not dictated by university, or family, or lover, or other such commitments. When I come home to MY apartment, that I paid for with MY paycheck, I am absolutely free to do as I please. So i strip naked. Or I play guitar (poorly). Or I eat dessert for dinner. Or I have a beer. Then eventually I must get back to the forced actions, such as confronting the behemoth amount of reading I’ve been assigned.
In Huckleberry Finn, Huck is feeling guilty for helping a runaway slave. He figures stealing someone’s property will send him to hell and he writes a letter to the slave’s owner to expose where they’ve been. He looks at it:
“I took it up, and held it in my hand. I was a trembling, because I’d got to decide, forever, betwixt two things, and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself:
‘Alright, then, I’ll go to hell’—and tore it up”
I cried when I read that. The coming of age theme is revealed so truthfully here. There is always that moment, when we are confronted with the contradictions between right and wrong, legal, and moral. There is always that moment where we must make a stand and decide where we fit in this world. For me I choose between doing what men told me God decreed to be right, and what I know through experience to be beautiful and good. And I have looked at the stars, and into the ocean, and upon the canyon, and into the mirror, and said “Alright then, I’ll go to hell”.
And for that, I love myself.
